A Briefer History of the Internet
By: Joe Lavin

I don't mean to jump to any conclusions, but it's looking
like this whole Internet thing is really going to take off.
Here then is a look back at just some of what's been
happening so far in the exciting "online" world of
"cyberspace."
April 1993
The National Center for Supercomputing Applications (NCSA)
releases Mosaic 1.0, the first browser for the World Wide
Web. Soon, millions of people have access to a massive new
repository of information and as a result are able to become
vastly more knowledgeable about the world around them. Or
not, as the case may be.
May 1994
As when fish left the oceans to walk on land for the first
time, Mrs. Mariam Sese-Seko of Nigeria replaces her fax
machine with a computer and begins using e-mail to send her
URGENT and CONFIDENTIAL pleas for help in freeing
$21,000,000 from her husband's frozen bank account. In the
process, the economy of an entire African nation jumps to
life.
April 1995
The first "Save NPR" petition is sent to you and 57 others
by a well-meaning friend. Over the next ten years, you will
receive this petition another 100,000 times, even though
until recently the funding for NPR was never actually at
risk. From this, others get the idea to create similar
petitions, and soon the Internet is overwhelmed by petitions
against those in power. Many also ask you to e-mail a copy
of the signed petition to the White House. Initially, White
House officials are upset by the extra e-mail, but
eventually they discover that these long lists of names
provide them with a convenient new way of updating the No
Fly List.
September 1995
The Internet auction site eBay is created by Pierre Omidyar.
Shortly thereafter, the first e-mail is sent announcing that
your eBay account may have been compromised. This e-mail
asks you to immediately fill out a form with your credit
card number, social security number, blood type, and shoe
size. A whole new industry is born, plus the Internet
auction business works out pretty well too.
January 1996
In an attempt to make workers more productive, companies all
over the world begin to give employees access to the
Internet, a decision they will later regret.
August 1996
Originally designed as a series of computer networks for the
sharing of vital military information in case of attack, the
Internet begins to disseminate the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee
sex tape to much critical acclaim.
November 1997
Despite the e-mail you just received, Bill Gates is not
about to share any of his fortune with you. Sorry.
January 1998
Matt Drudge breaks the story online that a news magazine was
going to run a story about Bill Clinton's affair with an
intern but decided not to because it didn't have enough
evidence. The exciting era of Internet journalism has begun
in earnest.
August 1998
Millions are entertained online by something called the
Hamster Dance, causing companies to really reconsider that
whole "giving Internet access to their employees" idea.
September 1998
A new search engine called Google debuts. Shortly
thereafter, James Shaw of Oakland, California becomes the
first person ever to search for himself on Google.
June 1999
Shawn Fanning releases a beta version of his file-swapping
software Napster. All over the world, individual songs,
sensing the opportunity to be freed from the tyranny of
recording studios, rise up as one demanding to be liberated.
College students across the world quickly oblige.
May 2000
Millions across the world open an e-mail with the subject "I
love you," only to discover that they are not actually loved
but have instead been given a virus. For some, this is
eerily similar to real life. The "I Love You" virus is later
replaced by the much more sinister "I don't love you but
just want to make out with you" virus that is opened by even
more people. Meanwhile, the relatively harmless "I just want
to be friends" virus dies a quick death.
September 2000
You discover that your portfolio of Internet stocks is worth
over $14 billion, and venture capitalists appear very
excited by your idea to build a gigantic Online Toast site,
which will allow customers to order toast online and have it
delivered to their house in less than thirty minutes. It's
going to be huge.
January 2001
Wikipedia, the collaborative online encyclopedia whose
entries can be edited by anyone, is created by the handsome
and brilliant writer, philanthropist, and ladies' man Joe
Lavin. (Warning: The neutrality and factual accuracy of this
paragraph are disputed.)
February 2001
In stark contrast to her tennis career, Anna Kournikova's
virus surges to number one on the Internet. Only those men
wise enough to already have a sizeable collection of Anna
Kournikova photographs and thus no need to open an
attachment of yet another are spared.
May 2001
The venture capital runs out before your toast idea can
become a worldwide sensation. Oh, and your portfolio of
Internet stocks is now worth about $1.97.
October 2001
All over the world, individual songs rise up as one and
decide to stop giving themselves away for free and start
selling themselves for 99 cents on iTunes. College students
aren't so quick to oblige this time. Meanwhile, unable to
stop students from downloading music illegally, the
recording studios come up with the ingenious idea to instead
sue the grandmothers of the students.
March 2002
As blogging becomes more popular, for the first time the
number of people who have their own blog exceeds the number
of people who have their own talk show.
April 2003
A gentle teenager posts a video of himself acting out a
sword fight by Darth Maul of Star Wars. The video is
instantly sent all over the Internet, millions of people
laugh, work productivity declines dramatically, and a young
life is ruined.
August 2003
For the first time, more spam is sent than regular e-mail.
And let's face it. Most of the regular e-mail isn't so great
either.
November 2004
Much to your chagrin, you realize that even your grandmother
now has her own blog.
December 2004
A gentle teenager posts a video of himself singing a
Romanian pop song with the refrain "Numa Numa." The video is
instantly sent all over the Internet, millions of people
laugh, work productivity declines dramatically, and a young
life is ruined.
June 2005
On its website, The Los Angeles Times begins allowing
readers to edit its editorials, much like on Wikipedia. By
harnessing the cooperative spirit of the Internet, these new
editorials create a participatory yet fair forum for the
free and dynamic exchange of ideas -- until two days later
when somebody starts posting porn to the site and the
newspaper quickly ends the experiment.
December 2005
The word "podcast" is named word of the year by the New
Oxford American Dictionary, narrowly beating out "bird flu."
You learn this by listening to your grandmother's new
podcast.
August 2006
Apple's Steve Jobs finally flips that special switch in his
office, which begins disseminating subliminal messages to
all iPod users through their white ear buds and forces them
to do whatever he wants. The revolution is about to begin.