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Ask Dr. Dollar Sign
By: Joe Lavin
Yes, it's time again for that regular feature in which I, an
actual doctor of finance*, address the financial concerns of
readers like you. As usual, my e-mail account is overflowing
with many financial questions from concerned readers, so let's
get straight to those queries.Are u tired of working for the man? Why not work from home and earn up to $200,000? Why work for someone else when u can work for u-self? -- Elvis Prosperity, Wichita, KS Working from home is an excellent opportunity, and I would encourage anyone to give it a try. Don't be afraid to take chances. If it's your dream to work from home and you find just such an opportunity fall into your inbox, go for it! Who cares if the offer seems too good to be true? Sometimes, you just have to chase your dreams. One special note: Never be afraid to hold out for a better offer. I, for one, see many work-from-home offers, and there's no need to settle for the first offer when a better one might make it through your e-mail filters fifteen minutes later. Don't be afraid to negotiate either. I've been able to get some of these people to add up to $100,000 to their offer. Let me tell you. That's one check I'm certainly looking forward to getting, once they receive the down payment for all future earnings that I've just sent them. Hello My Friend, I wish to address to you an URGENT and CONFIDENTIAL request. I am the chairman of the contract award committee of the National Petroleum Corporation here in Nigeria, and have recently discovered twenty eight million, six hundred thousand united state bills (us28.6m) lying under my couch cushions. Though I am completely innocent of the charges against me, I have been unjustly placed under house arrest by the evil agents of the tyrannical Lord Voldemort who has taken over our once prosperous homeland. Would you allow us your assistance in freeing these monies by placing them in your honorable bank account? For this, we will allow you to keep seven and one half percent (7.5%) of the monies as a reward for your honest assistance. Kindest regards. Miriam Sese-Seko, Laos, Nigeria Dear Miriam, Thanks for writing, and I hope you are well. I certainly know how frustrating house arrest can be! I can only imagine how tough it would be in Nigeria, which, from the sounds of it, probably doesn't have good television. While my management fee is usually considerably more than 7.5%, I will be happy to discuss this option with you. You will see that I have sent separately my bank account number and PIN. (Note how I did not include that information here where unsafe eyes could see it; common sense like this has gotten Dr. Dollar Sign far in life.) For the rest of my readers, though, I do want to point out some financial options, should you receive such a proposal. When looking to invest such a large sum, I find it's best to invest in Small Cap Stocks. Luckily, because of my connections and financial acumen, I have been given an e-mail subscription to the exclusive Small Cap Stock Newsletter. Just between you and me, I'm told that ZEE, XI, and QAT are excellent buys. Granted, my exclusive Small Cap Newsletter does not mention what these symbols stand for, nor for that matter what exactly a Small Cap Stock is, but that's merely an indication of just how privileged this information is. Dear Honorable Sir, I wish your assistance in an URGENT and CONFIDENTIAL matter of national security. I have been entrusted with one (1) million (,000,000) dollars ($$$) of money (CASH!) that I wish to -- -- Dr. Kimaeva Lioudmila, former Executive Governor of Nigeria Okay, Kimaeva, let's stop right there. A million dollars? Look, buddy, yesterday alone, I got three offers for $18 million each, and you're trying to impress me with your measly million dollars. Dr. Dollar Sign wasn't born yesterday, you know. In opportunities like this, there is always more than a million dollars at stake. Frankly, when it comes to Nigerian business opportunities, I don't move a muscle for anything less than $10 million. Luckily, this letter provides us a valuable lesson from which we can all learn. Always study a market before jumping in on it. If this poor fellow had bothered to study the intricacies of the Nigerian Money Laundering market, then he would know either to up his offer or find another business. Dear Sir, As part of our commitment against fraud, we have discovered that your bank account may be out of date. Would u please update your account? This is the third request, and we will be forced to close your account should u not send us all your personal information asap? Sincerely, George McLelland, Bank President, American United National Bank Of America As you can see, even an expert like Dr. Dollar Sign can sometimes let financial issues slip, and it's always important to keep on top of these matters. Never let your account information go out of date. Thankfully, most banks today are quite vigilant and will often send multiples messages reminding users to update their account information online. It's such a priority for our nation's financial institutions that some messages are even sent out before they can be properly spell-checked. Kudos especially to PayPal which sends frequent reminders to me even though I don't have a PayPal account. When you get one of these messages, Dr. Dollar Sign says, always respond immediately. We're talking money here. This is important. Look, Dr. Dollar Sign, what part of URGENT and CONFIDENTIAL don't you understand? Aren't 15 uses of the word CONFIDENTIAL in ALL CAPS enough to prevent you from publishing the details of my brilliant scheme in your magazine? Great, now I got the #$%%ing FBI on me, all thanks to you. Let me tell you, Dollar Sign, this is the last time I ever offer you the chance to make $28.6 million. Warmest Regards, Miriam Sese-Seko, Cleveland, OH PS Thanks for sending your new PIN. This one works much better. * Note: Dr. Dollar Sign is not an actual doctor of finance.
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